Our title and subject today are taken from a song by Lucinda Williams, made super duper cool by Mr. Tom Petty.
There are a lot of love songs out there. Some sappy, some clever, some tougher than leather, some silly and some soulful. They provide a soundtrack for a relationship. In the relationship, it's been said that every song feels like it was written for you - the two of you even. And then afterward... after the breakup; years after time has washed away bitterness or regret, just hearing them is like cracking open a dormant safe. It's digging up the time capsule in the front lawn of your elementary school. The song brings you right back, remembering where you went, what you did and it makes you wonder where she is now.
"Should I call?"
"Dear God, why did I call."
"Damnit, why does she still look good and I look as dorky as my High School picture only after being smushed and widened..."
There are far fewer songs for the little block of time between the smooches and the reminiscing. That important, "this is over and you suck and love sucks and everything sucks," moment. Where's the song for that?! Most are just indulgent weep sessions. ("
One Last Cry"?! Really?! No!) As a guy, it's definitely a case of needing an anthem to help pull you from the depths. Every heartbroken young woman I ever knew in a post-breakup funk could surround herself with girlfriends, load the jukebox and proclaim loudly "I will survive!" In essense commandeering the bar in the name of ladies scorned the world over. Doesn't matter that Gloria Gaynor is ... just ... terrible. It works. Plus, with a growing collection of Beyonce and Shakira breakup tracks to round it out, the ladies are set!
What do we have, men? Well, we have Cake's remake of
I Will Survive for starters.
No thanks.
We have ...
Suspicious Minds, by Elvis.
Friends in ... Low ... Ugh..!
Look, we don't just need a breakup song, we need a "moving on" song. A "F*ck You" song.
...
Thank you
Cee-Lo.
#1. on the list is
F*ck you. Hands down. A vacancy has been open for decades and Cee-Lo filled it. And, kind of like a
Hey Ya, part 2 it's epically throwback (maybe even outdated) in its style, but it's also unstoppable. It's as happy as it is bitter. And silly as it is angry-as-f*ck! And catchy. It's unapologettically profane and real. He's mixing up his personal pronouns, aternating between calm, angry and shiekingly pathetic. Like a regrettable late night phone call to the ex.
Once the novelty has worn off, and people get tired of the song, it will probably fade for a few years but then come roaring back forever. It's our "I will survive" and I will take it!
There are other good, "I will survive" songs in the modern inventory within, say, the past 15 years. And since they were holding us together before Cee-Lo, I owe them props. Here they are. let us listen:
#5. F*ck It, Eamon. Aww, look, he had his F*ck, f*cked with, too. F*cking censors! So...
That moany intro to the song doesn't do him any favors. Beat is kind of nice. Simple. OK, here we go, now he's rollin. Telling her how she did wrong. Good start. "I liked you so much..." Um, dude. I don't know if just plain liking a girl is reason to crank out a whole song. Oh, OK, you loved her. That's better. You got anything else? Yeah! I hear you, dog, F*ck all the nice things you said to her! F*ck all those .. umm... kisses... F*ck all those presents ... (I don't think she's going to throw them out, though.) Man, his voice is high. I'm starting to see the reasons she might have left him. Damnit! This isn't working at all. Let's listen to number 4!
#4. Stutter. Joe Feat. Mystikal. "My Dear, you do not know me, but I know you very well..." Yeah! That is it! I am sayin! She is caught and he is not gonna dare put up with it. Word. Hmmm. He's spending a lot of time calling her out. Wow, he's really just calling her a liar over and over and ... wow, he's asking questions I wouldn't even
want to know the answers to. Stop it Joe!
We've been there. We're too close to the situation. Too caught up in it to think with clarity just how we're going to come out of this with a shred of dignity or sanity. "Where were you late last night!? I called you on your cell phone!" Oh no, Joe...
Sometimes it's lucky we have a dickhead friend. Enter Mystikal. Your asshole friend who never liked your girl very much. The one friend you had to separate from her at bars and stuff for fear he would say some crap that would get you in trouble. And ... oh damn, he just went off on her. Oh God, he is mocking her stutter. He just ... yep. He just called her a heifer. Called. her. a. heifer. 364 days a year this guy is a liablity. Today he just became friend MVP. "Quit yo lyin', heifer!"
#3 Cry Me a River (remix), Justin Timberlake feat. 50 Cent. "You don't have to say ... what you did. I already know." Take a cue, Joe. That's all you've got to say. Don't be asking for details. Don't be taking her excuses. DO it right and you might just flip the script (like, maybe if you were rich and looked like JT). All of a sudden he's acting like
she should be the one feeling sorry for herself. No time for self pity, Dr. Jones. And like a calmer, meaner Mystikal, Fiddy rolls in and closes out the end. Giving props at first to all the girls that do right, just to mock your ex for daring to do you so wrong. Calling out her mama. "Go ahead and cry. Go ahead! Let her cry, man!" Damn! Just, Damn!
#2 Return of the Mack, Mark Morrison. In the heat of that heartbroken moment we all get there. "You did me wrong! You lied to me! You never loved me!" Pretty much purging everything good about the relationship along with the bad. What is wrong with us. We were so in love with this girl, yet she is apparently the devil incarnate without a shred of goodness in her. How did it get there.
"You lieeed to me!" Oh. Thanks Mark. Like the only two satisfying options in your world are for her to either take you back or spontaneously explode off the face of the planet. While we channel John Cusack's Rob Gordon in High Fidelity, "You f*cking Bitch, let's work it out!"
And that's the beauty of this song. You hear the music start up with a nice slow piano. In comes the beat. Oooh, here it comes. The drums. Something's different. Some how, you know he's not crying at home or shouting at her window. Nope. He's not telling his boys "There's no other girl for me!" No. He's not like you, (ya dumbass) and not like me.
Nope. He is calling his crew of knuckleheads and telling them, Get your fly gear out! (because it's the 90s) We are hitting the club. He may be singing,"You lieeed to me!" But he's doing it while ironing his shirt and sipping on yak. He's going out, ladies. You can't hold him back. The player has given up trying to do right! It is Return of the Mack. Return of the MACK, motherf*cker!"
A very special mention to Oran Juice Jones'
The Rain. It's a disposable 80s R&B song... right up until 2 minutes and 15 seconds in, and then it becomes the single greatest monologue in breakup history!
