Top 5: GARB - The Great American Rock Band

As a kid, I remember growing up with those big-ass hit machine all-American rock bands. It was the 80s and powerhouses like Journey Aerosmith, Metallica, Bon Jovi and Van Halen were ramping up towards unstoppability.  The kind of bands that are now staples of Classic Rock radio.  They are icons.  And they were, even then.  But of course, unstoppability gives way to, "not as good as they were, but still pretty good."  That gives way to "Man, that last album was better.  What are they trying to do?"  Then, "OK, there's new guys in the band.  What the hell with that?!"  Then comes, "Seriously, if I hear another fukken power ballad, someone is going to DIE."
The big dogs are gone.  Broken up or boring as crap.  Shadows of their former selves.
Eventually, all bands jump the shark.  And we're left wondering if they were even worth listening to in the first place.  Or questioning their previous greatness.  Hell, I have a whole case of CDs that have been deemed too embarrassing to show publicly anymore.  And even the Bad Boys of Boston are in that case.  (My wife wasn't a fan of Aerosmith during the years I was blasting them - when I played Permanent Vacation so much the tape snapped.  So, to her, everything that isn't "Sweet Emotion" is "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" and those songs will never see the light of day.  Who can blame her?  Do you want to justify that song's existence?)
 Has the GARB died off?  Who will populate our classic rock stations of the future?
Those are the questions I wanted answers to.  It was easy to say a band like Van Halen was a powerhouse in the 80s, but nowadays, is there a band like that?  I don't think we think of it in those terms anymore.  But here goes my list anyway. The top 5 current Great American Rock Bands.  Selected in terms of longevity, American-ness, and rock status.  And, as always, in no particular order.
1. Red Hot Chili Peppers.  Doing it longer than everyone on the list (formed in 1983).  There is no way in Hell they should even be capable of this kind of relevance after all this time.  After 27 years of making music, nearly every rock band I can think of has found a quiet way to ease into Adult Contemporary and fade from our memories.  Like a slow boat ride down a river "... bye bye rock band ... say hi to Sting for us ..."  Not the RHCP.  Never.  In another 5 years, 10 years, I may not like their new album, or care, but it will not be soft.  It will not be weak.  They are sex, They are drugs.  They are rock and roll.
2. Green Day.  OK, So I blogged about them already.  There's a teeming throng of haters that say they are not punk.  I surrender.  But no one can tell me they aren't rock.  Or great!  You can't win those arguments here.  Two hit albums ago they released a greatest hits CD, with 20 songs I already knew by heart.  Meanwhile I click past songs on Van Halen's greatest hits so much I wonder why I even needed to buy the CD.
3. (wait for it) Weezer.  Yes, Weezer.  Shut up, you!  I am totally right.  Subversive or not, offbeat or not, this band - this band that could have and maybe should have been a one hit wonder with "Buddy Holly" 16 years ago does not stop.  As a friend pointed out, they have a lot in common with AC-DC.  Every song has their trademark; it's undeniable who you are hearing.  When that minimalist verse warms up  - takes a quick breath - then charges into the guitar slamming chorus, we know exactly who we're hearing.  And like AC-DC, they have a sound that no one else could pull off.  And that attitude.  There's all kinds of bands that bank on geeky, wry and not-too-serious and even for the best of them, the gimmick wear off.  For Cake, Smash Mouth, The Presidents of the USA, and sometimes The Offspring .. the luster fades.  We get tired of it.  Weezer defies the odds.  They are The Beatles of geek rock and they don't give a hoot about what you think.
4. Foo Fighters.  I like how the Foo Fighters slowly snuck up on me over the course of the 90s, slowly amassing a catalog of hits.  Not albums full of Number ones, but one or two solid tracks every time.  Every GAMB should have a big fat fist pumping rock anthem.  The kind slow motion scenes in sports movies are designed for.  "My Hero" took care of that a decade ago.
5. No freaking idea.  Can I just say it?  As many great bands as there are out there, every one I can come up with has some sort of fatal flaw.  The nearest contenders I can come up with for spot number five are:
The Killers: another clever band with a kickass wall of sound and a monster dose of irony.  If they make one more album that people actually listen to, they could totally be in.
No Doubt: totally a contender for a while.  Then they broke up.  At this point I'm not sure they'd make it in even if they got back together.  Like the Eagles,  a reunion might just be a too little too late thing when it comes to music relevance.  Too bad.  As a collection, they are some of the greatest individual musicians of their time.
Stone Temple Pilots: See above.
All-American Rejects:  I love them.  I won't lie.  Three solid, fairly hit-filled albums in 9 years.  Something is missing.  I'm not sure what.
The Beastie Boys: Rock pioneers (Face it, Rap will not claim them)  They became greater and better as the politics motivated them.  But unlike U2, their music was the one thing that people did not want to hear as time went on.
Pearl Jam: Every move for the past 12 years has been a calculated "fuck you" to their fans.  They've rotted away into jam band obscurity.  Like the Grateful Dead, if Jerry Garcia was a douche.
Maroon 5: The Twilight: New Moon of rock bands.  They get no love.
Came so close ... : Blink 182, Good Charlotte, Counting Crows ...
Scary that The Black Eyed Peas are a few guitars away from being a better choice on this list than these.  Aaaaand ... for the sake of my own self-respect, I am glad that Nickelback is Canadian.  You might not like this list if they weren't.  And neither would I.  Trust me.

12 Days of Christmas Music, part 5. I still want a hula hoop!

The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late) -

This one is a love it or hate it. There are no grey-area feelings when it comes to this OR the Chipmunks in general. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am decidedly pro.

A jolly mix of singing and studio chatter, it was sung by a man who named himself Dave Seville (just like in the cartoon, kids!) in three-part harmony, using technology that became the precursor to that damned Autotune (T-Pain would be proud to know him) and it's now a classic. Not only that, it's a classic with three Grammys. Yep, the Chipmunks totally own Miley Cyrus! I guess all that perfectionist-ass fussing Dave did at Alvin during the recording paid off!

"You're a little flat Alvin"

Jerk.

If you love it, nothing else will do. And if you hate it, rest assured. It is 100% remake-proof. You can't remake it. It's sung by high pitched chipmunks.

I've heard some atrocious remakes: Madonna as a wanna-be Betty Boop singing Santa Baby, Billy Idol singing Jingle Bells; but you'll never hear Beyonce or Lady Gaga or Nickelback remaking this one. Only the Chipmunks themselves could. And they did in 2007. And it was a little flat.

12 Days of Christmas Music, part 4: Calm yourselves!

Happy Holidays -

OK, this is less about the song, than to address the general complaint from folks that "Happy Holidays" as a greeting or a goodbye from waitstaff, shopkeepers and barristas is somehow offensive and a sign that our country is going down the drain. That somehow wishing someone a non-denominational, winter version of "have a nice day" or "come again" is step one to a Communist invasion. One minute someone says "Happy Holidays," next minute it's Red Dawn. And, well ... Patrick Swayze is not around to protect us anymore!

Well fear not, Christmas fans, turns out that old upstart Irving Berlin wrote that song in 1942. 67 years ago. That's right, the Greatest Generation gave it the stamp of approval. If you're older than 67, maybe you have a complaint of this newfangled greeting.

But if not, come on! It's one of the more listenable Christma erm -holiday songs and that is a godsend. And it's meaning is pretty clear. Just listen.

"May the calendar keep bringing happy holidays to you. "

New Year, Easter, St. Patty's Day, National Ice Cream Appreciation Day, Yorkshire Terrier Day, Boxing Day, and even that anniversary you keep forgetting. May ALL of them be happy. Can we all not get behind that? Do we really need to find an excuse to be extra grumpy in the season of thanks and giving (and Thanksgiving)

To be honest I don't know what holiday you celebrate, and unless I do, I'm going to wish you a great holiday season. I'd say that's a far cry from shouting, "Your religion sucks," as you walk out the door.

12 Days of Christmas Music, part 3: The hap-happiest time of the year!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!
A song with a little bit of holiday confusion. On the surface, a celebration of all things wintery, festive and Christmasy:
"With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you 'Be of good cheer'"
... A little preachy, but OK ...
"It's the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call"
... a little inadvertently sexually confusing, but I'm with it so far ...
"There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow"
... yes parties, yes caroling. Um ... toasting marshmallows? Did Andy Williams celebrate Christmas in the woods? ...
"There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago"
... Ok, Ok ... yeah, tales of Christmases long long ago-Wait! What the hell with the ghost stories! We are totally camping. I have never told ghost stories at Christmas. Not ever. Not even the Scrooge ghosts count on this one. This is a camping song that was rewritten with Christmas in it. I would get to the bottom of this, but there's only 15 minutes left before I'm due to write day 4's Christmas song blog.
So in the meantime, grab that tent and sleeping bag and hunker down by the ol' campfire with an acoustic guitar and a can of baked beans, because it's Christmastime!

12 Days of Christmas Music, part 2: I saw mommy doing what?!

... kissing Santa Claus.
There's a couple famous versions of this song.  The big two I remember from my childhood are the one by the Ronettes (with a 20-something Ronnie Spector at the helm) and the one by the Jackson 5.
It's a classic.  That is, it's a very old song that really, you can't update anymore.  It has long since passed the threshold of creepy.  (Although apparently no one told John Mellencamp that)
The premise: a sneaky child who should be in bed on Christmas Eve catches Mom and Pop (in his Santa gear) putting presents under the tree and sneaking a quick snog.  Now, I don't know about your folks, but at my house, Christmas Eve was not a time to enjoy some Santa Claus cosplay and make out under the mistletoe.  More often than not, it was a time for Dad to create a reindeer-like clatter as he attempted to put together whatever technological monstrosity my brother and I had begged for that Christmas - cursing a storm and breaking it in the process.  We wouldn't have snuck downstairs for all the Christmas cookies in the house.  We just wanted to wake up the next morning to a freshly superglued GI Joe playset and call it a win.
Sing it with me kids!  "I saw mommy scolding Santa Claus ... after he broke Optimus Prime's leg off that Niiiiight..."
In the Ronettes version from 1964ish one has to wonder why a 22 year old woman hasn't figured out the truth about Santa  and seems neither concerned with Mom's flexible thoughts on wedding vows or dad's need to strap on a fake beard at 2 a.m. - depending on how you take it.
In the J5 version, at least you can tell little Michael is a child and is trying to convince his 300 or so brothers that he totally saw the Santa smooch go down that night.  They don't believe him and he tries and tries in vain to convince them.
"I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white" (creeeeepy!)
"Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen"
Um, is little Michael Jackson crazy?!  Poor damn Santa would have caught a nasty Joe Jackson beat down is what would have happened.  Christmas would be canceled.  That sound like an F-ing laugh to you, kid!?  get back upstairs and mind your business!

12 Days of Christmas Music, part 1: baby it's creepy outside

It's a tradition for my wife and I, pretty much starting Thanksgiving day, to tune all radios to the holiday music stations and leave them locked.  I'm not sure why, but probably since we adore the holidays, our brains have adapted to tolerate the otherwise mind-numbing repetition of the 60 or so songs that play this time of year.  (I'll have to add it to my list of superpowers)
Not that I'm not sick of some of the songs (especially the one that talks about telling "scary ghost stories' at Christmas), but most have their charm and I listen away.
Now, Baby it's cold outside is a different story.
The concept is cute enough - I won't say innocent enough - Guy wants girl to stay the night, she's willing, but needs nudging, convincing or at least a plausable way to deny to friends, family and coworkers she's not a skank.  And if executed right, it could be a fantastic kind of Rat Pack throwback song.  If executed right.
Which it never is!
But damned if everyone, since the movie Elf came out, isn't trying to bring it back and make it work.  The problem is, everything in this song must come together perfectly or it comes off just plain creepy.
Problem 1: "Say, what's in this drink?"  Yep, it's hard to update a standard when some of the lyrics clearly imply date rape!  It's 2008, for Santa's sake.  The lyric might as well be, "Hey, how'd I get here?  Who the hell are you?"   Baby there's roofies in there.
Problem 2: This girl has some nosy friends, neighbors and family.  Nott to mention that she apparently lives at home with her parents, brother and sister.  What the Hell!  How old is this girl?!
Problem 3:The guy.  He needs to be unassuming, ("hey, it's cool if you go girl, but neither of us wants that") kinda cocky, and charming with an eyedropper dose of innocent.  Instead, we get guys like  Tom Jones bringing a whole new meaning to lecherous and creepy.  Or we get emo guys who sound too whiny; like that sympathy date who doesn't want his one chance (which he blew hours ago) to end.  You can hear him whine, "but baybeeee, it's cooooold outside... please ... I just want to hold you ..."  some guys get it, but then try to simply act like they're a cool 50s guy.  Brian Setzer, Harry Connic Jr. I'm talking to you!
Problem 4: the pairings.  Why do people think it's cool to pair singers 30-90 years apart in age.  Alan Cumming & Liza Minelli, Michael Buble and Anne Murray, Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone (Really? Leon Redbone?!).  Gross, gross, gross!  Even when they're similar in age there's a whole new kind of yuk.  Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton.  Oh God, I don't want to picture those two drunk and gropey by a roaring fire.
Then there's the particularly uncomfortable version by Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.  It is painful.  She sounds like she just learned the song through Hooked on Phonics, and listeining to him, you can almost imagine the desperation in his voice as he begged her not to divorce him, "How can you do this thing to me ..."    Makes me shudder.  poor Nick.
Turns out the best version i can find is in the aforementioned Elf.  Not, of course the one on the soundtrack.  That's the creepy one with Leon Freaking Redbone!  The last singer alive who thinks that "ba bababa boo" is still a legitimate song lyric.  But for 45 seconds of the movie there's Zooey Deschanel channeling Ann Margaret, singing in the shower with an impish Will Ferrell almost lazily singing the male lead.  The song is interrupted, when she discovers him, but for a second it's the best version I've heard.  Did they rerecord it for the soundtrack.  No.
But until someone finds me a better version, that's all I've got.
This is why people are depressed during the holidays.

The Golden Age of Hip Hop

All forms of modern music: Country, Punk, Soul, R&B and Pop, have had their different eras, highs and lows, narrow and diverse periods. Country, for example seems to hit this boom every 10 years and then fade until the next one. Hip Hop, while younger, is no different.
Now, I understand ... maybe we all love best the music we remember, but it's hard to argue that any era of Hip Hop had more diversity, more potential for the genre than the few short years of the early 90s. 92-94, to be specific.

By 1992, Rap had shed many of the wannabes. No more Vanilla Ice on the airwaves, no pop superstar had yet stepped into Mc Hammer's glossy shoes. And yet, hip hop was making a bigger impact than ever. And, like never before, (or since) it could be anything it wanted to.

Tribe, De La Soul and Digable Planets on the rap side and US3 and Lucas (with the lid off) on the dance side were fusing hip hop with jazz. Digable planets made a hit just doing straight ol' beebop, and it worked! It was almost too much cool for one song. (Had they spread out the cool, maybe they could have had another hit, I guess)

Setting the stage for the Fugees and the Roots, Arrested Development was unapologetically afrocentric and still loved by all. Seriously. Girls named Dawn, Ashley and Becky were tossing up a fist, singing "Revolution." Maybe they didn't know why, but that was OK. It was too good not to. Who doesn't sing along to "People Everyday?"

Other alternative hip hop groups: Disposable Heroes of Hiphopricy & Me Phi Me brought the straight peaceful message, while the Geto Boys gave us nightmares about Halloween, necrophilia (and later, fax machines).

Some experiments were more um... experimental than others. "Hey let's fuze skate rock and rap!" (Urban Dance Squad), "Hey let's put some bagpipes in it!," "Hey, how about Tammy Wynette!," "Hey, let's all do the Bartman!"

Lighter Shade of Brown and N2Deep were still keeping the latino rap candle lit before it blew out for 12 years. Nice.

New Jack Swing was king. Hail Tony!, Toni!, and Tone'!. Long live SWV, TLC, BBD and the rising queen, Mary J.

C&C Music Factory & their wannabees gave us more hip-hop dance songs than we knew what to do with. And they'll play at weddings for the next 100 years.

Kid & Play had left us, but Heavy D was still around. Rap was party: This is How We Do It, Summertime, Ditty. Rap was soul: This DJ, Back in the Day. It was was Shaking Rumps and Tootsie Rolls. Whoomp! and Whoot! There it was. "I got a man." "I'm not tryin to hear that, see!"

Will Sm-Ahem! The Fresh Prince was its jester. Public Enemy was its conscience.

Before Limp Bizkit nearly killed it and before Linkin Park perfected it, the Judgement Night soundtrack gave Rap-Rock one good solid try. And it wasn't too bad.

Tupac Shakur was just beginning what would become his opus. And the former NWA were beginning to take over Hip Hop as single artists and producers. And then, there was this Snoop Dog guy ...

Dre., Snoop, an every angrier 2Pac. They were a blessing and a curse. Because before gangsta rap took over. Before it became a parody of itself. before hip hop all sounded the same; it sounded completely different! For three, maybe four good years. And then poof!

There was still great stuff. Outkast, Missy, Wu Tang ... but the variety ... the chance for Hip Hop to be anything it wanted ... left the building. For a decade. Maybe more.

Around 2004, producers like Pharrel and the Neptunes, Cee-lo, and Kanye, came back to remind us what Rap had the potential to be before hip hop once again decended into the shallow end of the pool. Back to random thugged out 20 years olds and one-note booty jams.