Bold-ass Statements: Kurt who?

Look over your right shoulder, Kurt.  Don't blame me.

An old friend from back in High School made a comment that he had found yet another reason to like Foo Fighters over Nirvana.
Whoa!
Right there.  Did you hear it?  The sound of a needle scratching across a record as the room gets quiet and everyone gasps.
I heard it too.

Then another friend added later, "What, I'm supposed to like Nirvana more because that Kurt Cobain guy died?"
The problem for me is, despite the fact that I agree *wholeheartedly* I still found myself feeling like it was a kind of music sacrilege to even think it.  We are children of the 90's, me and my friend from High School.  That is, of course, we are children of the 80's who graduated H.S. in the early 90's!  I was there when all my music-loving drama class friends bawled their eyes out when Kurt died.  I can hear my 16 year old self rail, "Nothing will ever be as good as Nirvana! (mostly I was playing along to be cool) Nothing!  Ever!"
Musical martyrdom.  It's a big deal when you's a kid.
"Foo Fighters indeed!  How dare you, sir!"
But the question is, are we the only ones ...?
Anyone ...?

Random Rants: Bad confessions

It probably definitely says more about me than you need to know, that the first time I saw the Jessie J "Price Tag" video, I had to convince myself that it wasn't Belladonna I was looking at.
Come on!  You can't tell either!

Bold-Ass Statements - Punk Rock Birdhouse

I don't care who disagrees.  They Might be Giants and the Dead Milkmen might as well be the same band.  I am not bothering to learn the difference and I will happily get them wrong.

Q: Who are we?  A: I don't care!

Top 5: Change the Locks

Our title and subject today are taken from a song by Lucinda Williams, made super duper cool by Mr. Tom Petty.

There are a lot of love songs out there.  Some sappy, some clever, some tougher than leather, some silly and some soulful.  They provide a soundtrack for a relationship.  In the relationship, it's been said that every song feels like it was written for you - the two of you even.  And then afterward... after the breakup; years after time has washed away bitterness or regret, just hearing them is like cracking open a dormant safe.  It's digging up the time capsule in the front lawn of your elementary school.  The song brings you right back, remembering where you went, what you did and it makes you wonder where she is now.
"Should I call?"
"Dear God, why did I call."
"Damnit, why does she still look good and I look as dorky as my High School picture only after being smushed and widened..."

There are far fewer songs for the little block of time between the smooches and the reminiscing.  That important, "this is over and you suck and love sucks and everything sucks," moment.  Where's the song for that?!  Most are just indulgent weep sessions.  ("One Last Cry"?!  Really?!  No!)  As a guy, it's definitely a case of needing an anthem to help pull you from the depths.  Every heartbroken young woman I ever knew in a post-breakup funk could surround herself with girlfriends, load the jukebox and proclaim loudly "I will survive!"  In essense commandeering the bar in the name of ladies scorned the world over.  Doesn't matter that Gloria Gaynor is ... just ... terrible.  It works.  Plus, with a growing collection of Beyonce and Shakira breakup tracks to round it out, the ladies are set!
What do we have, men?  Well, we have Cake's remake of I Will Survive for starters. 
No thanks.
We have ... Suspicious Minds, by Elvis.  Friends in ... Low ... Ugh..! 
Look, we don't just need a breakup song, we need a "moving on" song.  A "F*ck You" song.
...
Thank you Cee-Lo.

#1. on the list is F*ck you.  Hands down.   A vacancy has been open for decades and Cee-Lo filled it.  And, kind of like a Hey Ya, part 2 it's epically throwback (maybe even outdated) in its style, but it's also unstoppable.  It's as happy as it is bitter.  And silly as it is angry-as-f*ck!  And catchy.  It's unapologettically profane and real.  He's mixing up his personal pronouns, aternating between calm, angry and shiekingly pathetic.  Like a regrettable late night phone call to the ex.
Once the novelty has worn off, and people get tired of the song, it will probably fade for a few years but then come roaring back forever.  It's our "I will survive" and I will take it!

There are other good, "I will survive" songs in the modern inventory within, say, the past 15 years.  And since they were holding us together before Cee-Lo, I owe them props.  Here they are.  let us listen:

#5. F*ck It, Eamon.  Aww, look, he had his F*ck, f*cked with, too.  F*cking censors!  So...
That moany intro to the song doesn't do him any favors.  Beat is kind of nice.  Simple.  OK, here we go, now he's rollin.  Telling her how she did wrong.  Good start.  "I liked you so much..."  Um, dude.  I don't know if just plain liking a girl is reason to crank out a whole song.  Oh, OK, you loved her.  That's better.  You got anything else?  Yeah!  I hear you, dog, F*ck all the nice things you said to her!  F*ck all those .. umm... kisses... F*ck all those presents ... (I don't think she's going to throw them out, though.)  Man, his voice is high.  I'm starting to see the reasons she might have left him.  Damnit!  This isn't working at all.  Let's listen to number 4!


#4. Stutter.  Joe Feat. Mystikal.  "My Dear, you do not know me, but I know you very well..."  Yeah!  That is it!  I am sayin!  She is caught and he is not gonna dare put up with it.  Word.  Hmmm.  He's spending a lot of time calling her out.  Wow, he's really just calling her a liar over and over and ... wow, he's asking questions I wouldn't even want to know the answers to.  Stop it Joe!
We've been there.  We're too close to the situation.  Too caught up in it to think with clarity just how we're going to come out of this with a shred of dignity or sanity.  "Where were you late last night!? I called you on your cell phone!"  Oh no, Joe...
Sometimes it's lucky we have a dickhead friend.  Enter Mystikal.  Your asshole friend who never liked your girl very much.  The one friend you had to separate from her at bars and stuff for fear he would say some crap that would get you in trouble.  And ... oh damn, he just went off on her.  Oh God, he is mocking her stutter.  He just ... yep.  He just called her a heifer.   Called. her. a. heifer.  364 days a year this guy is a liablity.  Today he just became friend MVP.  "Quit yo lyin', heifer!"


#3 Cry Me a River (remix), Justin Timberlake feat. 50 Cent.  "You don't have to say ... what you did.  I already know."  Take a cue, Joe.  That's all you've got to say.  Don't be asking for details.  Don't be taking her excuses.  DO it right and you might just flip the script (like, maybe if you were rich and looked like JT).  All of a sudden he's acting like she should be the one feeling sorry for herself.  No time for self pity, Dr. Jones.  And like a calmer, meaner Mystikal, Fiddy rolls in and closes out the end.  Giving props at first to all the girls that do right, just to mock your ex for daring to do you so wrong.  Calling out her mama.  "Go ahead and cry.  Go ahead!  Let her cry, man!"  Damn!  Just, Damn!

#2  Return of the Mack, Mark Morrison.  In the heat of that heartbroken moment we all get there.  "You did me wrong!  You lied to me!  You never loved me!"  Pretty much purging everything good about the relationship along with the bad.  What is wrong with us.  We were so in love with this girl, yet she is apparently the devil incarnate without a shred of goodness in her.  How did it get there.
"You lieeed to me!"  Oh.  Thanks Mark.  Like the only two satisfying options in your world are for her to either take you back or spontaneously explode off the face of the planet.  While we channel John Cusack's  Rob Gordon in High Fidelity, "You f*cking Bitch, let's work it out!"
And that's the beauty of this song.   You hear the music start up with a nice slow piano.  In comes the beat. Oooh, here it comes.  The drums.  Something's different.  Some how, you know he's not crying at home or shouting at her window.  Nope.  He's not telling his boys "There's no other girl for me!"  No.  He's not like you, (ya dumbass) and not like me.
Nope.  He is calling his crew of knuckleheads and telling them, Get your fly gear out!  (because it's the 90s) We are hitting the club.  He may be singing,"You lieeed to me!"  But he's doing it while ironing his shirt and sipping on yak.  He's going out, ladies.  You can't hold him back.  The player has given up trying to do right! It is Return of the Mack.  Return of the MACK, motherf*cker!"

A very special mention to Oran Juice Jones' The Rain.  It's a disposable 80s R&B song... right up until 2 minutes and 15 seconds in, and then it becomes the single greatest monologue in breakup history!

12 Days of Christmas Music, part 6. Emissions Free!

I've said it before--my wife and I have a seemingly unending tolerance for holiday music.
But seriously... there's like eleven songs.  When songwriters were busy cranking out the holiday standards back in the day, it probably never occured to them that there would be radio stations playing Christmas music 24/7 from Thanksgiving until the 26th of December or they might have sat down to the piano and cranked out a few more.  Who could know that eventually someone would notice in the middle of their Christmas music playlist that even though there are 100 songs on that bad boy, there are only 25 different songs!  Yeah, I have Aretha singing Winter Wonderland, and that's cool, but I just checked it out--on that same playlist I have Peggy Lee, Etta James (really it should be either Etta or Aretha ... not both), whiney-ass Phantom Planet, Neil Diamond and Bing Crosby signing the same song.  That's a lot of Wonderland for one ipod.
So, when an actual new Chrismas song comes along these days it's a fricking true Christmas miracle.  But can you remember the last time that kind of miracle went down?  I do.  It was 1994's All I want for Christmas is You.  Yep.  Mariah Carey.
So a few years ago, I hear an upbeat Chrismas jingle start up and immediately it sounds just like the Jackson 5's Santa Claus is Coming to town, right here.
But it's not.  So I wait.  And listen.
And then, what to my wondering ears should appear?  Why it's Elton John, sounding ever so ... festive. Welcoming.  He starts right off "Welcome to my Chrismas song..."  Thanks, Elton.
I'm elated.  It's catchy!  It's upbeat and fun!  It's Step Into Christmas.  Finally something new; something I've never heard before.  And it must be modern because why else would Sir Elton be singing about making the holiday fun "emissions free?!"
Instant classic.  Like Wham's Last Christmas and No Doubt's Oi to the world, it's a modern miracle.  A tiny break in the monotony of the otherwise predictable holiday playlist.
Except, it's old.  Older than me!  I don't know how i missed it all these years (I can't stress enough the size of this mystery), but it was recorded in 1973.  I also don't know how i missed that the song is clearly sung by young, Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting Elton John, not crappy-ass Can You Feel the Love Tonight Elton John.
Also that environmentally preachy line ... turns out it's actually "The Admission's free!"
And then for no reason, two minutes into the song, it becomes Daniel.  Seriously, for zero reason at all, it just breaks into that haunting piano melody.  Elton's depressing song about a man's war-wounded, blind brother.  The piano just rolls in and you can almost sing along:  "Santa is travelin' tonight on a sleigh ... I can see the reindeer lights headin for Spai-i-i-i-n ... I can see Santa wavin goodbye."
Also, I can't help associating the song with the late 90s "Fall into the Gap" campain.  Although that jingly jangly Elton pop greatness is clearly more of an Old Navy style.
Step into Christmas is a new holiday classic -- or an old one.  It's cool.  It's vintage.  Or perhaps like a  hand-me-down Gap sweater, it's at least new to me!

Music Math: Ke$ha

Ke$ha

equals
Lady Gaga

plus Lady Sovereign

minus Madonna

Top 5 shallow reasons I'm liking Hyper Crush

I spent the better part of a decade or more avoiding any form of hip-hop dance stuff.  My prejudice is a result of being a middle and high schooler in the early 90s and recalling the backlash I got from thinking bands like C&C music factory were cool.
... oh the shame ...
But it's 2010 now, and I'm not scared.  And turns out, the shit's gotten better.  And even though they're no Black Box, I'm finding myself and my itunes account drawn to Hyper Crush.  Problem is, I can't come up with a justifiably good reason to listen to them from a music appreciation standpoint.  However!  I have five perfectly good shallow reasons to like them.
1. They are feeding the 80s child in me with big fat donuts of pop culture.  In one song, The Arcade, they make references to Hypercolor, Mario Brothers, Zelda, Duck Hunt and The Wizard (Fred Savage's greatest film to date!  You heard me Princess Bride fans!)  Check it yourself!
In Robo-tech, half the video is like a Tron sequel and it even features the lyric, "Cool like Mr. T."
Reasons 2. and 3.  So, this is Holly.  And that's all I have to say.
4. In the last pic, you may have also noticed Donny and Preston.  It's like looking at Snow and Vanilla Ice!  In a group together.  How cool is that!? Shit, where's Everlast ?
5. I'm still not sure how good they are, but I am in desperate need of good workout music.  Since I first discovered them at they gym, I think maybe that's the best part.  Great beats and fun mindless lyrics.  They are serving as a sublte treadmill reminder for me right now.  So there.

It's Ok to like Covers!

It was 1996. I was ... younger than I am now. And I was listening to a conversation between two guys about how one of them believed that Seal was undoing the very fabric of music by daring to remake Steve Miller's "Fly Like an Eagle," which Seal did for the Space Jam movie.
The other guy was looking at him in that sympathetic way we all do when someone tells us that the sky is falling, or in this case when someone tells us, "So, now ... NOW, all these young kids today will grow up all talking about how Seal was the original writer of Fly Like an Eagle!"
And I guess the world would end after that.
It's now 14 years later and Seal is busy creating a small army of children with Heidi Klum, Bill Murray is waking up in cold sweats wondering why the fuck he appeared in the second worst Bugs Bunny film of all time, the Seal remake of "Fly Like an Eagle" is currently playing on zero radio stations across the country right now, and nobody under 35 gives a crap about Steve Miller's sleepy ass, overrated hit! Oh yeah, I said it!
And that guy, wherever he may be, has likely moved on to cursing Seether for daring to screw with the classic "Careless Whisper."
He epitomizes an entire section of the population that thinks to cover someone else's work is to insult the original artist and the listening audience that loves the original song. And if you want bad examples to back up that thinking, well, there's plenty out there. Seether may have taken a whack at a Wham tune, but do you remember Limp Bizkit's "Faith"? Yeah. Wish you hadn't, right? Britney Spears may be the only living person with as many issues as Bobby Brown, but her "My Prerogative" ate more crap than a dung beetle. And Counting Crows didn't have to remake "Big Yellow Taxi," but it was cheaper than Adam Duritz getting a sex change, I guess ...
But that's weak sauce. Because if you dare to bash the idea of covering someone else's song, then you'd better not be a fan of The Beatles, or Elvis (who would not have existed without song covers), Aerosmith, Van Halen, Jimi Hendrix, Clapton, Bowie, STP, GNR, The Who or Talking Heads. We love covers.
And damnit, we'd better! Bar bands across the country would be torturing us with their ghastly original songs, instead of helping us sing along at the top of our lungs while they play stand-in for our favorite artists. And even when we go to a concert to see a band with a million hits or just several albums' worth of songs, the night's not ever really complete until they try to tackle just one hit that ain't theirs.
Covering a song is a grand experiment. It can be a complete Homage: Lenny Kravitz's American Woman. Or a rougher-edged tribute: Aerosmith's Come Together. Or a total subversion: Marilyn Manson's Sweet Dreams ... or they can be embarrassing: Mick Jagger and David Bowie singing Dancing in the Streets (the video still makes me feel such pity). Or self-important and bloated: Madonna should be imprisoned for daring to tread on American Pie; and Ike and Tina ... well, they raped poor Proud Mary. Worst of all, remakes can be impotent, pointless: Kylie's Locomotion, Clapton's I Shot the Sheriff, 311's Lovesong.
And if one more motherf*****... remakes Hallelujah ... so help me ...!
But I still like covers. They bring us gems like this.
Some I'd even argue are better than the original. Jimi's All Along the Watchtower, Aretha's Respect. But they're so old and established, it's hard to think of them as remakes. For more modern songs, it's a tough debate whether there are remakes that are actually better than the original. With that in mind, I submit, the much easier to do, top-5 list of covers of modern songs that are at least as good, if not better. In no particular order...
Fiona Apple - Across the Universe. Almost everything John Lennon wrote and sang during the Let it Be era comes across to me as being as much performance art as true music. Fiona Apple's low mumbling songs rarely did it for me, but on Across the Universe, she actually makes the song feel as melancholy as the original was meant to. It's contemplative instead of random.
No Doubt - It's My Life. A definite contender for "better than the original" except among Gwen Stefani haters and 80s music purists. And not for Gwen's voice. I can take it or leave it. I think her warbling and howling is more than tolerable in this song, but to me it's everything else going on. Roxy Music made a great song, but it didn't have Tony Kanal's brilliant bass work and Adrian Young's crisp drumming and Tom Dumant's retro guitar work. It's the ultimate 80s homage. Only cleaner and slicker.
Mary J. Blige - Sweet Thing. You can't tackle a legend. Unless you're about to become one, yourself. What's the 411 was the first we heard of Mary J. and she went for broke four tracks into the record with a Chaka Khan standard. Almost no song is more identified with Chaka Khan (that doesn't start with "Chaka Khan... Chaka-Chaka Khan ...) and Sweet Thing is something you don't go after, especially with some forgettable weak-ass synthesized arrangement. But Mary J. Blige smoked that song's ass with power, passion and what every melismatic over-singer from Mariah to Christina Aguilera still doesn't have; control, baby. So much control. Even Chaka gave her props, and yet the debate rages on youtube still ... "whose version was better."
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Higher Ground. Who has the stones to mess with Stevie Wonder? And good Stevie Wonder at that. It's not like Kiedis and company were remaking I just Called to Say I love You. Higher Ground is an important tune. And now, thanks to the Chili Peppers, it's an important tune that you can workout to! Booyah!
Disturbed - Land of Confusion. (tie) I was originally sold on this cover being sooo much harder and angrier than Genesis version. I blame it on my fading memory of the 80's, the Kroft puppets that were used in the video and the fact that it came off the same album as Invisible Touch. Turns out, Phil Collins comes across as pretty damned pissed. So it's harder, but not phenominally so. Plus, it makes me remember how much I love the original, without making me wish I was listening to the original. Disturbed takes the heart of a great tune and updates it without changing it in a stupid way. That almost never, ever happens. Ever.
Orgy - Blue Monday.  (tie) Also a grittier update of a cranky classic. At the time it came out, Orgy was poised to fill New Order's niche. So the song feels like as much homage as remake. It's the last we've heard of Orgy; and a one-radio-hit band can be more forgettable when their one hit is a remake. But Blue Monday stands up pretty solid.

Top 5: GARB - The Great American Rock Band

As a kid, I remember growing up with those big-ass hit machine all-American rock bands. It was the 80s and powerhouses like Journey Aerosmith, Metallica, Bon Jovi and Van Halen were ramping up towards unstoppability.  The kind of bands that are now staples of Classic Rock radio.  They are icons.  And they were, even then.  But of course, unstoppability gives way to, "not as good as they were, but still pretty good."  That gives way to "Man, that last album was better.  What are they trying to do?"  Then, "OK, there's new guys in the band.  What the hell with that?!"  Then comes, "Seriously, if I hear another fukken power ballad, someone is going to DIE."
The big dogs are gone.  Broken up or boring as crap.  Shadows of their former selves.
Eventually, all bands jump the shark.  And we're left wondering if they were even worth listening to in the first place.  Or questioning their previous greatness.  Hell, I have a whole case of CDs that have been deemed too embarrassing to show publicly anymore.  And even the Bad Boys of Boston are in that case.  (My wife wasn't a fan of Aerosmith during the years I was blasting them - when I played Permanent Vacation so much the tape snapped.  So, to her, everything that isn't "Sweet Emotion" is "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" and those songs will never see the light of day.  Who can blame her?  Do you want to justify that song's existence?)
 Has the GARB died off?  Who will populate our classic rock stations of the future?
Those are the questions I wanted answers to.  It was easy to say a band like Van Halen was a powerhouse in the 80s, but nowadays, is there a band like that?  I don't think we think of it in those terms anymore.  But here goes my list anyway. The top 5 current Great American Rock Bands.  Selected in terms of longevity, American-ness, and rock status.  And, as always, in no particular order.
1. Red Hot Chili Peppers.  Doing it longer than everyone on the list (formed in 1983).  There is no way in Hell they should even be capable of this kind of relevance after all this time.  After 27 years of making music, nearly every rock band I can think of has found a quiet way to ease into Adult Contemporary and fade from our memories.  Like a slow boat ride down a river "... bye bye rock band ... say hi to Sting for us ..."  Not the RHCP.  Never.  In another 5 years, 10 years, I may not like their new album, or care, but it will not be soft.  It will not be weak.  They are sex, They are drugs.  They are rock and roll.
2. Green Day.  OK, So I blogged about them already.  There's a teeming throng of haters that say they are not punk.  I surrender.  But no one can tell me they aren't rock.  Or great!  You can't win those arguments here.  Two hit albums ago they released a greatest hits CD, with 20 songs I already knew by heart.  Meanwhile I click past songs on Van Halen's greatest hits so much I wonder why I even needed to buy the CD.
3. (wait for it) Weezer.  Yes, Weezer.  Shut up, you!  I am totally right.  Subversive or not, offbeat or not, this band - this band that could have and maybe should have been a one hit wonder with "Buddy Holly" 16 years ago does not stop.  As a friend pointed out, they have a lot in common with AC-DC.  Every song has their trademark; it's undeniable who you are hearing.  When that minimalist verse warms up  - takes a quick breath - then charges into the guitar slamming chorus, we know exactly who we're hearing.  And like AC-DC, they have a sound that no one else could pull off.  And that attitude.  There's all kinds of bands that bank on geeky, wry and not-too-serious and even for the best of them, the gimmick wear off.  For Cake, Smash Mouth, The Presidents of the USA, and sometimes The Offspring .. the luster fades.  We get tired of it.  Weezer defies the odds.  They are The Beatles of geek rock and they don't give a hoot about what you think.
4. Foo Fighters.  I like how the Foo Fighters slowly snuck up on me over the course of the 90s, slowly amassing a catalog of hits.  Not albums full of Number ones, but one or two solid tracks every time.  Every GAMB should have a big fat fist pumping rock anthem.  The kind slow motion scenes in sports movies are designed for.  "My Hero" took care of that a decade ago.
5. No freaking idea.  Can I just say it?  As many great bands as there are out there, every one I can come up with has some sort of fatal flaw.  The nearest contenders I can come up with for spot number five are:
The Killers: another clever band with a kickass wall of sound and a monster dose of irony.  If they make one more album that people actually listen to, they could totally be in.
No Doubt: totally a contender for a while.  Then they broke up.  At this point I'm not sure they'd make it in even if they got back together.  Like the Eagles,  a reunion might just be a too little too late thing when it comes to music relevance.  Too bad.  As a collection, they are some of the greatest individual musicians of their time.
Stone Temple Pilots: See above.
All-American Rejects:  I love them.  I won't lie.  Three solid, fairly hit-filled albums in 9 years.  Something is missing.  I'm not sure what.
The Beastie Boys: Rock pioneers (Face it, Rap will not claim them)  They became greater and better as the politics motivated them.  But unlike U2, their music was the one thing that people did not want to hear as time went on.
Pearl Jam: Every move for the past 12 years has been a calculated "fuck you" to their fans.  They've rotted away into jam band obscurity.  Like the Grateful Dead, if Jerry Garcia was a douche.
Maroon 5: The Twilight: New Moon of rock bands.  They get no love.
Came so close ... : Blink 182, Good Charlotte, Counting Crows ...
Scary that The Black Eyed Peas are a few guitars away from being a better choice on this list than these.  Aaaaand ... for the sake of my own self-respect, I am glad that Nickelback is Canadian.  You might not like this list if they weren't.  And neither would I.  Trust me.

12 Days of Christmas Music, part 5. I still want a hula hoop!

The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late) -

This one is a love it or hate it. There are no grey-area feelings when it comes to this OR the Chipmunks in general. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am decidedly pro.

A jolly mix of singing and studio chatter, it was sung by a man who named himself Dave Seville (just like in the cartoon, kids!) in three-part harmony, using technology that became the precursor to that damned Autotune (T-Pain would be proud to know him) and it's now a classic. Not only that, it's a classic with three Grammys. Yep, the Chipmunks totally own Miley Cyrus! I guess all that perfectionist-ass fussing Dave did at Alvin during the recording paid off!

"You're a little flat Alvin"

Jerk.

If you love it, nothing else will do. And if you hate it, rest assured. It is 100% remake-proof. You can't remake it. It's sung by high pitched chipmunks.

I've heard some atrocious remakes: Madonna as a wanna-be Betty Boop singing Santa Baby, Billy Idol singing Jingle Bells; but you'll never hear Beyonce or Lady Gaga or Nickelback remaking this one. Only the Chipmunks themselves could. And they did in 2007. And it was a little flat.

12 Days of Christmas Music, part 4: Calm yourselves!

Happy Holidays -

OK, this is less about the song, than to address the general complaint from folks that "Happy Holidays" as a greeting or a goodbye from waitstaff, shopkeepers and barristas is somehow offensive and a sign that our country is going down the drain. That somehow wishing someone a non-denominational, winter version of "have a nice day" or "come again" is step one to a Communist invasion. One minute someone says "Happy Holidays," next minute it's Red Dawn. And, well ... Patrick Swayze is not around to protect us anymore!

Well fear not, Christmas fans, turns out that old upstart Irving Berlin wrote that song in 1942. 67 years ago. That's right, the Greatest Generation gave it the stamp of approval. If you're older than 67, maybe you have a complaint of this newfangled greeting.

But if not, come on! It's one of the more listenable Christma erm -holiday songs and that is a godsend. And it's meaning is pretty clear. Just listen.

"May the calendar keep bringing happy holidays to you. "

New Year, Easter, St. Patty's Day, National Ice Cream Appreciation Day, Yorkshire Terrier Day, Boxing Day, and even that anniversary you keep forgetting. May ALL of them be happy. Can we all not get behind that? Do we really need to find an excuse to be extra grumpy in the season of thanks and giving (and Thanksgiving)

To be honest I don't know what holiday you celebrate, and unless I do, I'm going to wish you a great holiday season. I'd say that's a far cry from shouting, "Your religion sucks," as you walk out the door.

12 Days of Christmas Music, part 3: The hap-happiest time of the year!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!
A song with a little bit of holiday confusion. On the surface, a celebration of all things wintery, festive and Christmasy:
"With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you 'Be of good cheer'"
... A little preachy, but OK ...
"It's the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call"
... a little inadvertently sexually confusing, but I'm with it so far ...
"There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow"
... yes parties, yes caroling. Um ... toasting marshmallows? Did Andy Williams celebrate Christmas in the woods? ...
"There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago"
... Ok, Ok ... yeah, tales of Christmases long long ago-Wait! What the hell with the ghost stories! We are totally camping. I have never told ghost stories at Christmas. Not ever. Not even the Scrooge ghosts count on this one. This is a camping song that was rewritten with Christmas in it. I would get to the bottom of this, but there's only 15 minutes left before I'm due to write day 4's Christmas song blog.
So in the meantime, grab that tent and sleeping bag and hunker down by the ol' campfire with an acoustic guitar and a can of baked beans, because it's Christmastime!

12 Days of Christmas Music, part 2: I saw mommy doing what?!

... kissing Santa Claus.
There's a couple famous versions of this song.  The big two I remember from my childhood are the one by the Ronettes (with a 20-something Ronnie Spector at the helm) and the one by the Jackson 5.
It's a classic.  That is, it's a very old song that really, you can't update anymore.  It has long since passed the threshold of creepy.  (Although apparently no one told John Mellencamp that)
The premise: a sneaky child who should be in bed on Christmas Eve catches Mom and Pop (in his Santa gear) putting presents under the tree and sneaking a quick snog.  Now, I don't know about your folks, but at my house, Christmas Eve was not a time to enjoy some Santa Claus cosplay and make out under the mistletoe.  More often than not, it was a time for Dad to create a reindeer-like clatter as he attempted to put together whatever technological monstrosity my brother and I had begged for that Christmas - cursing a storm and breaking it in the process.  We wouldn't have snuck downstairs for all the Christmas cookies in the house.  We just wanted to wake up the next morning to a freshly superglued GI Joe playset and call it a win.
Sing it with me kids!  "I saw mommy scolding Santa Claus ... after he broke Optimus Prime's leg off that Niiiiight..."
In the Ronettes version from 1964ish one has to wonder why a 22 year old woman hasn't figured out the truth about Santa  and seems neither concerned with Mom's flexible thoughts on wedding vows or dad's need to strap on a fake beard at 2 a.m. - depending on how you take it.
In the J5 version, at least you can tell little Michael is a child and is trying to convince his 300 or so brothers that he totally saw the Santa smooch go down that night.  They don't believe him and he tries and tries in vain to convince them.
"I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white" (creeeeepy!)
"Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen"
Um, is little Michael Jackson crazy?!  Poor damn Santa would have caught a nasty Joe Jackson beat down is what would have happened.  Christmas would be canceled.  That sound like an F-ing laugh to you, kid!?  get back upstairs and mind your business!

12 Days of Christmas Music, part 1: baby it's creepy outside

It's a tradition for my wife and I, pretty much starting Thanksgiving day, to tune all radios to the holiday music stations and leave them locked.  I'm not sure why, but probably since we adore the holidays, our brains have adapted to tolerate the otherwise mind-numbing repetition of the 60 or so songs that play this time of year.  (I'll have to add it to my list of superpowers)
Not that I'm not sick of some of the songs (especially the one that talks about telling "scary ghost stories' at Christmas), but most have their charm and I listen away.
Now, Baby it's cold outside is a different story.
The concept is cute enough - I won't say innocent enough - Guy wants girl to stay the night, she's willing, but needs nudging, convincing or at least a plausable way to deny to friends, family and coworkers she's not a skank.  And if executed right, it could be a fantastic kind of Rat Pack throwback song.  If executed right.
Which it never is!
But damned if everyone, since the movie Elf came out, isn't trying to bring it back and make it work.  The problem is, everything in this song must come together perfectly or it comes off just plain creepy.
Problem 1: "Say, what's in this drink?"  Yep, it's hard to update a standard when some of the lyrics clearly imply date rape!  It's 2008, for Santa's sake.  The lyric might as well be, "Hey, how'd I get here?  Who the hell are you?"   Baby there's roofies in there.
Problem 2: This girl has some nosy friends, neighbors and family.  Nott to mention that she apparently lives at home with her parents, brother and sister.  What the Hell!  How old is this girl?!
Problem 3:The guy.  He needs to be unassuming, ("hey, it's cool if you go girl, but neither of us wants that") kinda cocky, and charming with an eyedropper dose of innocent.  Instead, we get guys like  Tom Jones bringing a whole new meaning to lecherous and creepy.  Or we get emo guys who sound too whiny; like that sympathy date who doesn't want his one chance (which he blew hours ago) to end.  You can hear him whine, "but baybeeee, it's cooooold outside... please ... I just want to hold you ..."  some guys get it, but then try to simply act like they're a cool 50s guy.  Brian Setzer, Harry Connic Jr. I'm talking to you!
Problem 4: the pairings.  Why do people think it's cool to pair singers 30-90 years apart in age.  Alan Cumming & Liza Minelli, Michael Buble and Anne Murray, Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone (Really? Leon Redbone?!).  Gross, gross, gross!  Even when they're similar in age there's a whole new kind of yuk.  Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton.  Oh God, I don't want to picture those two drunk and gropey by a roaring fire.
Then there's the particularly uncomfortable version by Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.  It is painful.  She sounds like she just learned the song through Hooked on Phonics, and listeining to him, you can almost imagine the desperation in his voice as he begged her not to divorce him, "How can you do this thing to me ..."    Makes me shudder.  poor Nick.
Turns out the best version i can find is in the aforementioned Elf.  Not, of course the one on the soundtrack.  That's the creepy one with Leon Freaking Redbone!  The last singer alive who thinks that "ba bababa boo" is still a legitimate song lyric.  But for 45 seconds of the movie there's Zooey Deschanel channeling Ann Margaret, singing in the shower with an impish Will Ferrell almost lazily singing the male lead.  The song is interrupted, when she discovers him, but for a second it's the best version I've heard.  Did they rerecord it for the soundtrack.  No.
But until someone finds me a better version, that's all I've got.
This is why people are depressed during the holidays.

The Golden Age of Hip Hop

All forms of modern music: Country, Punk, Soul, R&B and Pop, have had their different eras, highs and lows, narrow and diverse periods. Country, for example seems to hit this boom every 10 years and then fade until the next one. Hip Hop, while younger, is no different.
Now, I understand ... maybe we all love best the music we remember, but it's hard to argue that any era of Hip Hop had more diversity, more potential for the genre than the few short years of the early 90s. 92-94, to be specific.

By 1992, Rap had shed many of the wannabes. No more Vanilla Ice on the airwaves, no pop superstar had yet stepped into Mc Hammer's glossy shoes. And yet, hip hop was making a bigger impact than ever. And, like never before, (or since) it could be anything it wanted to.

Tribe, De La Soul and Digable Planets on the rap side and US3 and Lucas (with the lid off) on the dance side were fusing hip hop with jazz. Digable planets made a hit just doing straight ol' beebop, and it worked! It was almost too much cool for one song. (Had they spread out the cool, maybe they could have had another hit, I guess)

Setting the stage for the Fugees and the Roots, Arrested Development was unapologetically afrocentric and still loved by all. Seriously. Girls named Dawn, Ashley and Becky were tossing up a fist, singing "Revolution." Maybe they didn't know why, but that was OK. It was too good not to. Who doesn't sing along to "People Everyday?"

Other alternative hip hop groups: Disposable Heroes of Hiphopricy & Me Phi Me brought the straight peaceful message, while the Geto Boys gave us nightmares about Halloween, necrophilia (and later, fax machines).

Some experiments were more um... experimental than others. "Hey let's fuze skate rock and rap!" (Urban Dance Squad), "Hey let's put some bagpipes in it!," "Hey, how about Tammy Wynette!," "Hey, let's all do the Bartman!"

Lighter Shade of Brown and N2Deep were still keeping the latino rap candle lit before it blew out for 12 years. Nice.

New Jack Swing was king. Hail Tony!, Toni!, and Tone'!. Long live SWV, TLC, BBD and the rising queen, Mary J.

C&C Music Factory & their wannabees gave us more hip-hop dance songs than we knew what to do with. And they'll play at weddings for the next 100 years.

Kid & Play had left us, but Heavy D was still around. Rap was party: This is How We Do It, Summertime, Ditty. Rap was soul: This DJ, Back in the Day. It was was Shaking Rumps and Tootsie Rolls. Whoomp! and Whoot! There it was. "I got a man." "I'm not tryin to hear that, see!"

Will Sm-Ahem! The Fresh Prince was its jester. Public Enemy was its conscience.

Before Limp Bizkit nearly killed it and before Linkin Park perfected it, the Judgement Night soundtrack gave Rap-Rock one good solid try. And it wasn't too bad.

Tupac Shakur was just beginning what would become his opus. And the former NWA were beginning to take over Hip Hop as single artists and producers. And then, there was this Snoop Dog guy ...

Dre., Snoop, an every angrier 2Pac. They were a blessing and a curse. Because before gangsta rap took over. Before it became a parody of itself. before hip hop all sounded the same; it sounded completely different! For three, maybe four good years. And then poof!

There was still great stuff. Outkast, Missy, Wu Tang ... but the variety ... the chance for Hip Hop to be anything it wanted ... left the building. For a decade. Maybe more.

Around 2004, producers like Pharrel and the Neptunes, Cee-lo, and Kanye, came back to remind us what Rap had the potential to be before hip hop once again decended into the shallow end of the pool. Back to random thugged out 20 years olds and one-note booty jams.

It's OK to like Green Day!

So the album Dookie comes out in 1994. And many of us - most of us hear Green Day for the first time.

It sounds like nothing on the radio for the past three years and that is something of a relief. The DJ tells me it's got that "punk sound and punk attitude." I'm 18, sure what do I know. "OK It's punk." It's fun, it's good in that simple chord, offbeat, slightly vulgar, rebellious lyrics kind of way; and I immediately imagine what people my age must have thought when the Beastie Boys first came out.

Song after song after song comes out. Song after song kicks ass.

And that 's the problem. After solid albums, over and over, the haters started to come out of the woodwork.

"I never liked Green Day"
"Oh yeah, me neither bro, It's not real punk."
"Oh my God I know, like whatever happened to like the ... Clash, or the, um ... Ramones."
"Word."

Word. There you have it. Going strong for a decade now. Hipsters, music pseudo-intellectuals, "true punk" fans ... have been talking themselves out of liking Green Day. Where is the fun in that? Honestly, I ask you is there a good reason for you not to love the band? Maybe. Here are the arguments.

Accusation: They are not punk.

Answer: Dude, they're more punk than you are. For that matter, so are the Go-Gos, Blondie and Billy Idol. Because if you're clinging to some sort of old school punk rocker status, you'd better be in your mid to late 40s and not a twentysomething who walked into a Hot Topic to round out your wardrobe.

This is a band that was part of the late 80s Berkely punk scene formed in the wake of Bad Religion and included bands like Rancid, Isocracy and the Lookouts. (I choose not to mention the Offspring as it may hurt my argument.)

They cut their chops playing "real" punk. And got a record deal from it. Does that make them sellouts?

Accusation: They are sellouts.

Answer: Well, yes, probably. And selling out isn't punk. It's the opposite. I get that, man. But let's get back to the first answer.

I offer up a couple of lyrics from Billy Joe and the bunch from the Warning album.

"Is the cop or am I the one that's really dangerous?

Sanitation, expiration date, question everything

Or shut up and be a victim of authority"

"I want to be the minority

I don't need your authority

Down with the moral majority'

Cause I want to be the minority"

These are punk lyrics. Plain and simple. The rhyme scheme is Thirdgradian, the message is angry, it's anti-establishment. The song is catchy. The song. Is catchy.

And that's the real problem. Green Day is too damn catchy to be punk. They aren't alienating people with their sound. They are pulling people in who may never have heard a Stooges song.

Poor guys, they've got their punk sensibility and the mainstream success.

Does that make them irrelevant?

Accusation: They are irrelevant.

Answer: It's been 20 years and they're not just as good as before, they're arguably better. Politically, musically relevant. Whether you bought into the whole concept album idea of American Idiot or not, it's hard to argue that the songs don't work on their own.

Green Day creates an involuntary response. The jerky, punky head nod. It's the drums, the guitars that smash each chord with the beat. It's obnoxious in how addicting it is. Keep hating if you like, but try to get all the way through Holiday without moving your head. Besides, they pass the ultimate test.

Can you listen to them in the car? Yes.

That, people, is what relevant is all about.

I picked up their greatest hits a few months ago, and it turns out that's like 21 songs of head bouncing greatness. I never skipped a single track. Am I the only one? It can't be!

It's OK to like them, it really is. And you know you want to. You know you love to sing along to When I Come Around with a little sneer on your face. Crunch out air guitar to Brain Stew, singing along with that clipped "I have a severe sinus cold" Billy Joe Armstrong style, ("on my own, here we go ..." which sounds like "Obayo howae-gow" when he sings it)

You don't even have to call them punk. Just jam out.

It's OK to like Green Day. And that's really it. Because they are still relevant after 15 years of popularity. They aren't Aerosmith, or what passes for Metallica or Van Halen, Journey or the Eagles. They may well be the last great American rock band that still matters.

Punk or not.

Top Fives. Pt. 1

Top Fives Pt 1
Being a huge fan of High Fidelity (book and movie) I never wanted to blog about my top five anything, for fear of looking like a copycat. But damnit, I've always done top fives. We all have. Plus the movie is like 10 years old so without further whining I present:
Pete's top five most "ultimate 80's" songs. These songs more than any others define the decade for me.
5. Pretenders - Don't Get Me Wrong. It's in all the 80s nostalgia movies for a reason. A simple, memorable beat, great vocal performance by Chrissie Hynde. It's very pop for the Pretenders, but their most listenable song by far.
4. Madonna - Material Girl. The song pretty much is the 80s. The dorky, robotic male chanting at the end (Li-ving in a ma-ter-i-al world ...). Love it. The breathy boytoy Madonna's chirps and squeals. Love it. The way she sings it, "Matehrial Gehl." Frickin love it!
3. The Cars - Drive. I love upbeat quirky Cars songs. I love Rick Ocasek Cars songs. This is neither. But Benjamin Orr delivers simple vocals on a ballad track that's like 90% synthesizer and it still rules. It kicks ass even today. Michael Bay would agree. So would Bumblebee.
2. Ah-Ha - Take on me. The song, the video, the one hit wonder status. It smacks of 80s the whole way through. Try to make an 80s compilation without it. It's the only song I know to make people play air keyboard. Also, if you don't yet know it's "I'll be gone ... in a day or twooooooooooo."
1. Tears for Fears - Everybody Wants to Rule the World. At once upbeat and relaxed, optomistic but still a little haunting, the song is complex, easy to sing along to and features the greatest guitar solo at the end - and you barely even notice it's there.

That's my list. Agree? Disagree? Got one of your own? Please share.
Honorable mention: Don't stop believin, Wake me up before you go-go, Pour some sugar on me, Beat it, Modern love